Kiss My Crown

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2016 Ashley Piscitelli

  Cover by Cover Me Darling

  Photo by K Keeton Designs

  All rights Reserved. No parts of this book may be used or reproduced in any matter without written permission from the author, except for inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, establishments, organizations, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously to give a sense of authenticity. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be given away to another person except when loaned out per Amazon lending program. If you’re reading this and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then it was pirated illegally. Please purchase a copy of your own and respect the hard work of this author.

  Table Contents

  Preface

  Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Chapter Eleven Chapter Twelve Chapter Thirteen Chapter Fourteen Chapter Fifteen Chapter Sixteen Chapter Seventeen Chapter Eighteen Chapter Nineteen Chapter Twenty Chapter Twenty-One Chapter Twenty-Two Chapter Twenty-Three Epilogue

  WARNING:

  If you love fairytales and the idea that everything is always sunshine and glitter, this is not the book for you.

  Kate is sarcastic, vulgar, crazy, but a hell of a lot of fun. She may be the princess of the park but she acts like anything but.

  This is a story about what happens behind the scenes of the fairytale.

  This explores what happens when prince charming is an asshole, you hate being a princess, and your friends only add to your misery.

  It’s also about finding love in the most unexpected places.

  It’s about finding yourself when you’ve been lost in a sea of confusion.

  It’s about finding your own path to happiness.

  If you’re still with then enjoy the book!

  I’m going to strangle him.

  No. I’m going to fucking kill him.

  Better yet, I’m gonna cut his dick off.

  What is it with assholes today who think it’s okay to just take a dip in whatever slut is offering herself up? It’s bad enough that I have to put up with this stupid-ass job just because he wants me to, but now I find out he has been out screwing every other princess in this damn park! Well, all of these people are about to see less damsel in distress and more me making it so Prince Charming can’t walk straight tomorrow.

  I walk through Dreamland, searching for my knight in shining armor, who turned out to be more like a dickhead wrapped in tinfoil. I find him waiting for me in the castle, ready for our twelve o’clock performance.

  This has been my life for the past year. Four performances a day and endless hours spent smiling, waving, and posing for pictures. Let’s not even talk about the amount of time I’ve been snotted on, thrown up on, and smacked away by a kid whose parent is forcing them into a picture. You go to these theme parks and think it would be so fun to work here!

  No. Fuck, it’s not.

  It sucks ass.

  It is hot as shit on a daily basis, and this ball gown must weigh at least ten pounds. Not to mention the daily migraines from the dumbass tiara and the jacked up feet from these evil glass slippers.

  The best thing about this stupid job was Jeremy, getting to spend all day together. However, even that was weird because no one in this crazy-ass insane asylum uses real names. They take being into character to a fucking creepy extreme. They talk like their damn characters, act like them. In all scenarios it’s like they become them. Calling Jeremy Charming took a long-ass time to get used to. Working here has been like moving to the twilight zone and being the only person who knows the shit isn’t real.

  “Hey, Lily!” I look over at Emily, one of the ice princesses.

  “Do not even ask right now! This is Florida and there are no goddamn snowmen around!”

  She gasps as if my comment offended her. Not that I give a shit right now.

  I see my prince waiting inside the castle for me so that we can start our first performance of the day. Little does he know that my glass slipper is about to get shoved up his ass.

  “Hey, Lily! I thought you were going to be late.” He gives me that smile that made me fall for him in the first place, except this time it elicits a very different reaction. Let’s not even talk about how much it pisses me off that he refuses to call me by my real name. Is Kate really that hard of a name to pronounce? It’s not like my name is made up of only consonants and completely foreign.

  I plaster on the princess smile and do my best to not let him onto the fact that he is caught. “Hey, sorry, had some trouble finding my glass slipper.”

  He offers me his arm, and I dutifully loop mine through it. We walk out of the castle and the stage is surrounded by a sea of little girls swooning over the asshole next to me and wanting to be me. At least they think they do. The music starts to play as we begin the waltz that took me a week to learn. Only this time instead of effortlessly performing it I may step on Jeremy’s feet every couple seconds.

  “Lily, what the hell?” he groans as quietly as he can. “Stop stepping on my feet. You aren’t the lightest and I still need to walk around all day.”

  Did he just insinuate what I think he did? He’s dead. We turn toward the crowd and it’s time for me to run away, of course leaving behind a slipper and then it’s Jeremy’s cue to chase after me. Only this time when he catches me and bends down to put my shoe back on I have a surprise for him.

  Once the shoe is on, right before he stands up, I kick my leg out, nailing him with the point of my heel right in his balls. It’s a good thing his back is to the crowd because Prince Charming is turning fifty shades of red. I flash my smile to the crowd of girls with misguided dreams, give them the princess wave, and then walk back into the castle with Jeremy hobbling beside me.

  Once we are out of sight he collapses on the floor. “What the fuck, Lily?!”

  As I look down at him all the rage I built up on my journey over here and stuffed back inside for my performance comes back full force. I grab his sword out of its holster on his belt then whack him with it.

  “This is for every damn princess you slept with behind my back.”

  Whack.

  “This is for making me take this stupid job in the first place.”

  Whack.

  “This is for insinuating I was fat earlier.”

  Whack.

  “And this is for being fucking weird and never calling me by my real name!”

  Whack.

  I drop the sword, causing it to clang against the floor. “Oh, and just so you know. Four minutes isn’t average, asshole.”

  I walk out of the castle, needing to plaster on my princess face once more because I have to do a meet and greet. I feel lighter now that I have put Jeremy in his place. My best friend, Melanie, and one of the only other sane people in this entire park comes running up to me.

  “What happened? Did you ask him about the rumors?” She is one of our evil queens, and I snicker at the faces of the kids passing by and seeing us talking.

  “No, I didn’t. I kicked him in the balls with my slipper and beat him with his own sword.”

  Her mouth drops open before she smiles. “Hell yeah!” She hugs me, and I laugh.

  “Okay, I have to go smile and be super happy and shit. I need to be drunk tonight.”

  “Deal! You go have fun being adored. I’m going to go walk around and get death threats by little girls.” Melanie walks away, waving to a few of the kids walking by,
and I laugh hysterically when one little girl sticks her tongue out at her.

  I guess being a princess is better than being a villain sometimes.

  Today has been hell.

  Not like the hell where you need a strong dose of Tylenol, the hell where your entire body shakes with rage and you need a machete complete with moving targets.

  Everyone has heard about Jeremy and me.

  Even though I’m the one who dumped his stupid ass, he still comes out looking like a king.

  “Hey there, Lily, if you need a booty call tonight let me know. Sloppy seconds don’t scare me off,” Charlie, one of Jeremy’s best friends, calls to me. He’s one of the other princes, and I’ve never liked his creepy ass.

  “Only thing that’s sloppy is the way you think you give girls orgasms. At least from what I hear.” I lower my voice a bit, pretending to whisper. “Just so you know, when you only last two minutes, she’s faking it.”

  His eyes narrow and I know I’ve pissed him off. “Maybe I should go ask all the chicks Jeremy banged if they faked it.”

  My blood boils as he references all those dirty whores. I’m about to rip him a new one when I’m suddenly blinded. I look down and I’m covered in glitter. Turning around, I find Darcy the fairy.

  “Did you just throw glitter on me?” I’m trying to contain my rage, praying she has a logical response. Yeah right.

  “Princesses should always be pleasant. They never yell and always smile. You seemed like you were in distress, so I aided you with fairy dust.” She smiles too sweetly, and I’m about to boil over.

  “Listen to me, Dumbbell, if you ever sprinkle me with that herpes shit again I will rip your wings off and shove them so far up your—”

  “Okay, Princess, let’s go get some royal drinks.” Melanie pulls me away before I murder the little LSD bitch. “You need to chill out, girl. I mean just—ow!”

  “Leave Princess Lily alone, you evil witch!” A little girl is standing there, poised to deliver another kick to Melanie’s shin.

  “Thank you for saving me.” I kneel down, giving the little girl a hug, and then she skips off to her parents.

  “See, I have real problems. I get kicked and sneered at all day. Some little brat threw popcorn and booed at me today. Have fun getting adored at your next meet and greet, Princess. And by princess I mean bitch.” She turns away and starts to walk.

  “Love you!”

  She turns, giving me a look. “I’m sneaking you an apple later.” She smiles before leaving. I can’t help but laugh as little girls passing by shout at her.

  I have one more meet and greet to do today and then I’m finally done. This one is for VIPs, which basically means parents who have way too much damn money and creepy dads who think you can be bought by slipping you a hundred.

  You’d be surprised how many of these sleazeballs I’ve caught doing one of the whore fairies in the kiddie ride scenes. Seeing a flabby white ass pop up between your favorite characters’ heads is totally not a good look.

  Walking into the safari park, I try to take a deep breath and put on my happy face. I swear when I get wrinkles from this cheesy smile this park is totally paying my Botox bill.

  I wave dutifully at all the little girls as they watch me pass them. I wish I could tell them that they should dream about being a doctor, or a teacher. Someone who actually means something, not a damn bimbo in a dress.

  I walk into the tent and take my place under the arch, ready for the photographer to charge these parents a semester of college tuition for a souvenir picture. I shake my hands, hoping to shake some of the bitchiness out.

  The first little girl walks in and it’s showtime.

  The kids aren’t that bad. At least for me. Melanie is a whole different story. For me they are sweet and happy. It’s honestly the best part of this stupid job.

  My last family walks in, and I talk to the little girl for a few minutes before it’s picture time. The dad stands next to me and his hand is way too south of my hips. This is the worst part. You can’t do anything without causing a scene.

  “If you have a case of jungle fever, I’m a doctor. You should let me give you a full body examination,” his slimy voice slithers in my ear.

  Really? He had one shot to deliver a line and he went with that?

  “I’m good, but if you’re into bestiality, I hear the fur characters are total freaks.” I sweetly smile at him as his smirk turns into a scowl.

  He grabs his wife’s and daughter’s hands as they walk out of the tent.

  I. Hate. Men.

  ***

  “I need sex. Like really good, fun, revenge sex.” Pulling the straightener through my hair, I give myself one last look in the mirror.

  “Seriously?” Melanie looks over at me like I’m an alien. “Why would you just want to jump into some random guy’s bed?”

  “So that my orgasm could momentarily distract me from my train wreck of a life.”

  “Well, my mom always told me that no one will ever buy the cow if you give the milk away for free.”

  I love Melanie, but she is such a goody two-shoes sometimes. Which is actually really ironic considering she’s the evil queen.

  “Listen. Chill out. I don’t want anyone to buy my cow right now. I don’t even want to give some random guy my milk.” I side-glance over at her. “Maybe I just want him to play with my udders a little bit.”

  “Ew!” Her face twists in disgust and I can’t help but laugh. “You’re disgusting.”

  “Yeah, but you love me anyway.” I give her a hug before grabbing my purse and walking to the door. “Come on, slut, I need to bag me a decent-sized penis.”

  “Kate!”

  I don’t look back at her and just continue to laugh. It’s so easy to get a rise out of her. I barely need to try anymore.

  The bar we head to is a smaller place, but it’s one of my favorites because the drinks are cheap. If they weren’t, I could definitely not afford the amount of alcohol in my system right now.

  I slam my hand on the bar out of frustration. “I’m a princess. A fucking princess. I’m at the top of the damn theme parkery hierarchy!”

  “Theme parkery?” Melanie arches one of her eyebrows at me.

  “Don’t correct my grammar when I’m drunk. Only assholes do that.” I hop off the barstool. “I need to pee.”

  On the way to the bathroom a guy steps in front of me. Even through my fuzzy vision I can tell he is way too pretty to give me a good time tonight. “Hey there, girl. Can I get some of that cake?”

  “Cake?” I am so damn hungry my mouth starts salivating. “There’s cake?” I’m looking around frantically like one of the idiots in the horror movies when they should just be running.

  He laughs. “Not that kind of cake.”

  As he winks at me my delayed brain connects the dots. “Are you trying to turn my favorite dessert into something sexual?” My face scrunches with disgust and disappointment that there really isn’t any cake.

  “It’s a common saying. All the rappers are using it.” He nods at me like I’m one of his bros who just did a pull-up.

  “Oh okay, well, as you can see my jeans aren’t showing off my ass, I have no bling hanging from my neck, and I’m not drinking out of a pimp cup. Not only that, but you aren’t Lil’ Wayne.” I move to walk past him before spinning to face him again. “Last, I love cake too much to listen to you talk about it like that.”

  Since when is my vagina referred to as cake?

  I mean, come on.

  I don’t care what those stupid romance books say. There is no way that shit tastes good.

  Maybe I don’t want sex.

  I just want more alcohol.

  Walking into the park today, I try to pretend like I’m not completely hungover. As I walk around I have to make sure I don’t make eye contact with any of the spinning rides. It’s so hot today that it’s making me feel ten times worse. I’m reminded of why I usually don’t get drunk the night before I have work. All o
f this is usually too much to deal with on a normal day. Once I add in the fact that all I want to do is pass out and drink eighteen bottles of water, this place might as well be my own personal hell.

  Today I have to do the huge parade and I pray that I’m done with my hangover by then. It would so not be cute if I puked all over the pretty flowers and statues of woodland animals.

  “Hey, Kate!”

  I turn to see Danielle. She lives with Melanie and me. She’s also a fairy. I don’t know how she does it. Dani actually has a brain, but it’s the only position they had open.

  “Hey, you’re back. You missed an interesting time yesterday.”

  She rolls her eyes. “I heard. Mel said she was surprised you were even able to function today.”

  “Yeah, well, she always underestimates me. By the way, I almost killed one of the minions in your group yesterday. Make it known that the next one of them who comes at me with some glitter will have their wings shoved up their asses.” I smile and wave at a little girl who just squealed at the sight of me. “Being nice sucks ass.”

  “Yeah, you’re totally the nicest person ever. Maybe you do need some fairy dust.” She shakes the little pouch she’s holding.

  “I’ll kill you.”

  “Now, Princess, that’s no way to talk.” She laughs.

  “You know, if I could flip you off right now I would,” I say through a half closed mouth as I wave at a large group of girls walking by. “Fly away before I clip your wings.”

  “Whatever. Maybe you do need to get laid.” She shrugs before leaving.

  As I walk toward the castle for our first show today I can feel everyone’s eyes on me. It’s crazy because just a few days ago I was their hero. I might have been drunk as I was explaining it last night, but there is a definite hierarchy to the park.

  At the top you have your princes and princesses, since they are basically loved by everyone. After that come the villains because everyone loves to hate them. Then it’s the dancers. They get to dress in regular clothes and don’t have to worry about acting any certain way. Next you have the fur characters. They all hate us because we get paid more. When no one can actually see your face your value goes down some. They would probably be at the bottom if they weren’t such whores. There are a mix of guys and girls, but I swear it’s like one big Noah’s ark orgy. The fairies come next. Except for Dani, they are all brainless. I think it’s because they snort too much of that damn fairy dust. At the very bottom are the pirates. They’re just disgusting. They might as well be the homeless people of our little city. It’s still a big debate as to whether they shower or not.